Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Peaches the hairless cat: A bio

There are many roles I played in my previous lives.  Some dominant pre-Théa identities include:  A Jewish Princess who ate with a diamond studded fork, but gave the garnets to the poor; A Gay Robin Hood, who always had clean fingernails; and a Hairless cat named Peaches, with a penchant for wigs.

Let's talk about Peaches.  She loved to be petted, required a velvet pillow (with no tassels because those are tacky), lots of attention, and ate a diet of Greek yogurt and Swedish Fish (the red ones only).  Peaches was a bit of a bitch, with a false sense of entitlement, but she never forgot to be thankful for her hairlessness.  Most of the other cats she knew had a lot of hair/fur; they would gag up hairballs, drag up dust, shed, and constantly be licking themselves - All of which horrified Peaches.  Peaches would bathe in the sink (with lavender scented bubbles), and had a collection of wigs that she would wear for various occasions.  She liked the weight of the hair on her back, and would sometimes chew on strands while sitting on her pillow-perch...

With Peaches' influence running through my blood it's no wonder I'm such an attention whore, am utterly obsessed with red candy, and have a deep-seeded HATE for body hair.  I can remember asking my girlfriend, while we were sitting on the dock at my cabin at the age of 10, if my blonde arm hair made me look like a monkey - Since I was cold it was standing on end - and she replied "yes" ???!!!!!  The Horror!  So it started then.  I was waxing the aforementioned blonde arm hair by grade 9, and over-plucking the eyebrows by grade 8.  The hair dyeing, cutting, re-dying, crying over too much cutting, frying process began by about 13, and I had started the leg shaving WAY BEFORE my mum said it was ok (actually, I was young enough to still be having baths with my younger sister when the leg shaving began:  I tried shaving hers and ended up slicing a strip of skin off of her shin, but that's neither here nor there).

For most of my life I stuck with the regular methods of obsessive hair removal, adapted to the seasons, perfected my plucking, and became a whiz with hot wax:  However, a whole new world of hair removal opened up to me when I moved to Dubai.  The women from India and the Middle East have a couple of tricks up their sleeves to teach us white ladies:  Threading and Sugar waxing.  I know that these methods of hair removal are present in North America, but they are not as prevalent, and being from a small town in Canada, they definitely weren't around for me to experiment with.  If you know someone with perfectly groomed eyebrows, chances are they have a "threader".  Sell your left lung to this friend to get the name of the "threader", and treat her right:  Buy her a Christmas gift, remember her birthday, and tip 20%.  Once threaded, expect stares of envy from those that pass you by, and a look of confused wonder from your significant other as he/she worships your immaculately symmetrical and beautifully groomed face (much of beauty is symmetry, which is why well-shapped eyebrows play such a key roll in looking your best - they act as a frame for your eyes, and can balance your features).

Now sugar waxing, is just a gentler form of waxing, with no strips...  It gets the baby hairs, and washed off easily:  I.e. no sticky skin-spots for a day, which is kinda awesome.  If you are a nether region waxer (unless you are lasered, strongly consider this category), sugar waxing can be a bit much - meaning intimate - or maybe it was just the way my waxer worked, but she definitely got right in there.  I tried not to make eye contact and talked a lot about my husband during those awkward moments.  Still, it was worth coming back to her as the waxing was that thorough (ummmm) and lasted at least 3 weeks.  Since we're on the topic of nether region waxing, in my 28th year of life, I have officially found my favourite type of wax, and wax-artist (because it truly is an art).  I randomly discovered Just Wax It - home of the Brazilian wax and more - and am forever grateful to my Hairless cat instincts to have done so.  Dina -the arteest - uses this amazing, Blue, Brazilian wax, that hurts WAY LESS than the average strip wax.  They also have trained cosmetologists, in the area of nether region waxing, and never make you feel like you may have stepped into the wrong type of "salon".  Don't live in Houston?  No problem, just find a salon that uses the Blue Brazilian Wax, with no strips...  Your couche will thank you.

RIP Peaches.  You were a good gal.

xo T

No comments:

Post a Comment